Today I spit out a filling while brushing my teeth. Add a giant spider and a knife-wielding Polkaroo and all of my childhood nightmares will be a reality.

Why does the dentist produce so much anxiety? It’s completely irrational; I haven’t had a bad experience. The law of averages would say that I haven’t had enough experiences to have a bad one. I once went 12 years without a trip.

By some stroke of unearned luck, I’ve only had one filling in my life. Not bad for 38 years. To be fair, I think I have a new one that needs to be filled, but even-so: 2 in 38 years ain’t bad.

And that one fell out of my head today.

This week had the potential to be a rough one, with the dental encore. But I’m pleased to say that I’m not freaking out. I haven’t needed to compare the “new me” to the “old me” much lately, because I’m feeling so far removed from that former version, but today I compare.

In a twisted way, I used to welcome wrenches thrown into the works, because it gave me an excuse to pity and self-medicate. Today, 10 minutes after brushing my teeth, I was on my way to a meditative yoga class. There’s no use in trying to put a comparison into words. I’m a long ways from the person I want to be, but I’m even further removed from the person I never want to be again.

I can be proud of myself as I go to sleep tonight. (But if Polkaroo shows up, I swear I’m out. Fuck sobriety; the only thing that gets rid of that creepy, man-evading beast is vodka, and lots of it.)


3 thoughts on “Nightmares

    • He’s a character from a Canadian children’s show called Polka Dot Door. The suit was always worn by the male cohost, so the ongoing bit was that Polkaroo would leave the scene, then the male cohost would come running in and say “oh no, did I miss him again?” Creepy shit. Google image him (but not too close to bedtime). 🙂


      • I totally just did what you specifically told me NOT to and Googled it. Why did I not listen? Whyyy?? Haha… he’s creepy alright, but my ultimate creepy-costume character fear is the Bunny from Donnie Darko. I couldn’t sleep for 2 nights after watching that stupid movie… ((shudders))

        Liked by 1 person


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