Every day I wonder how I got anything accomplished before I got sober. Little life surprises used to feel so much more dramatic in my soused mind. Today, for example, I started the day by filing a police report: both of our vehicles were vandalized. Later, when I got home from work I noticed that the house felt a little chilly. As I walked down the basement stairs, the scent of burnt metal grew stronger and stronger: the furnace is dead, so I’ve made arrangements to drain my bank account in exchange for a new one.
Sure, all of these are bummers, but a year ago I would have over-dramatized the day. Granted, I’m dwelling on things enough to write about them here, but my focus isn’t so much on the “woe is me” factor, as it is on my ability to handle each of these hiccups. Today reminds me of what I am most grateful about in sobriety: greater control over my everyday life. Greater control has lead to a greater confidence.
I am confident I understand what the problem with the furnace is. I am confident that I made the right decision to replace, rather than to repair. A year ago, I wouldn’t have been confident that I understood. Between my wandering ADHD mind and the looping “act sober… does he know I’ve been drinking?… act sober” record that would have warbled in my head, I wouldn’t have heard more than 3 words at a time from the mechanic.
It’s been a tremendous journey from my first sober day and I often marvel at how much has changed. It reminds me to go easy on myself when I’m frustrated about the things that haven’t changed. And with that, I’ll put the mittens back on and cuddle up near the space heater that the furnace company is lending me.