The metaphor of a rollercoaster works in my life in a couple of ways. Most notably, in describing the ups and downs associated with bipolar II. Another is in describing my commitment to any given task: I start out fully devoted and inevitably my enthusiasm wanes.
While this is likely a flaw that is connected with my ADHD, it’s something that I need to manage. I used to allow myself to walk away from various undertakings, fooling myself into believing that I was simply “moving on.” I can look back through the decades and see the wreckage in my life caused by “moving on” from various paths.
My weight has yo-yo’d a record-breaking number of times through my life because I easily abandon a healthy lifestyle that I’ve worked hard towards. I’m back at the top of this particular rollercoaster: tracking calories, habitually hitting the gym, white-knuckling through the late-night Cheerio cravings.
I am nervous to admit that my enthusiasm for AA is waning. The reservations I had about the program going in, seemed to melt away for a few months, giving me a calm acceptance of the rituals. Today, I’m starting to feel some of those reservations surface again. I see the dedication that some of these people have; 40 years of sobriety and they still attend 2-3 meetings a week. Wait, what?
All of the speakers I’ve heard recently, while they were terrific storytellers, all of the stories were the same: “I was an atheist before I came to AA and once I opened the door a crack to my higher power, it was all I needed. Now I believe.” Great story, but the cynic in me is starting to sound the warning bell on this cult.
Part of what allowed me to be such a good alcoholic is that I’m always searching for an easy fix. At the end of the year, I’ll start medication to control the ADHD. I’m looking to this as a fix-all: one easy pill and I’ll be focused! Not likely.
Ah the rollercoaster of life: managing daily responsibilities with a spinning mind and a thirst for vodka. No wonder I’ve amounted to nothing in my 37 years; I allow life to hurtle along without any management. Instant gratification has been my engine. There’s so much work to do and my enthusiasm is fading.