Day 280: Recovery and Reflections

Snow Globe Coaster

The metaphor of a rollercoaster works in my life in a couple of ways.  Most notably, in describing the ups and downs associated with bipolar II.  Another is in describing my commitment to any given task: I start out fully devoted and inevitably my enthusiasm wanes.

While this is likely a flaw that is connected with my ADHD, it’s something that I need to manage.  I used to allow myself to walk away from various undertakings, fooling myself into believing that I was simply “moving on.”  I can look back through the decades and see the wreckage in my life caused by “moving on” from various paths.

My weight has yo-yo’d a record-breaking number of times through my life because I easily abandon a healthy lifestyle that I’ve worked hard towards.  I’m back at the top of this particular rollercoaster: tracking calories, habitually hitting the gym, white-knuckling through the late-night Cheerio cravings.

I am nervous to admit that my enthusiasm for AA is waning.  The reservations I had about the program going in, seemed to melt away for a few months, giving me a calm acceptance of the rituals.  Today, I’m starting to feel some of those reservations surface again.  I see the dedication that some of these people have; 40 years of sobriety and they still attend 2-3 meetings a week.  Wait, what?

All of the speakers I’ve heard recently, while they were terrific storytellers, all of the stories were the same: “I was an atheist before I came to AA and once I opened the door a crack to my higher power, it was all I needed.  Now I believe.”  Great story, but the cynic in me is starting to sound the warning bell on this cult.

Part of what allowed me to be such a good alcoholic is that I’m always searching for an easy fix.  At the end of the year, I’ll start medication to control the ADHD.  I’m looking to this as a fix-all: one easy pill and I’ll be focused!  Not likely.

Ah the rollercoaster of life: managing daily responsibilities with a spinning mind and a thirst for vodka.  No wonder I’ve amounted to nothing in my 37 years; I allow life to hurtle along without any management.  Instant gratification has been my engine.  There’s so much work to do and my enthusiasm is fading.

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6 thoughts on “Day 280: Recovery and Reflections

  1. My thoughts: I made sobriety mine. It grew and morphed as the years passed. I now do (roughly) a meeting or two a year. Whether I need it or not (teehee).

    There is really so little to do. Just be in today—now. I wouldn’t plan dinners for the next 10 years—today, anymore than I would plan my healing for the next ten years—today. Just be healed and beautiful you today. The plan will unfold and take care of itself. Our (my) job is to be vigilant today, now, and be the best me … today, now. (for me that includes sober).

    I have enjoyed your blog this year and wanted to come over and say so. Your heart, as well as your writing, are beautiful.

    with love, Lisa

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  2. Thanks for sharing – that’s a fairly personal post. Sounds like you’ve got a few challenges on your hands – but you’re obviously doing something right if you’re on day 280!

    I’m a bit jealous – wish I could fast-forward to an impressive sounding day.

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  3. I too am into instant gratification. I am impulsive to a fault. I am also a “moving on”-er. Grass is always greener. . . And I don’t have ADHD. Peas in a pod, we are 🙂 But I can say, without evening knowing you personally, that you have NOT amounted to nothing in your 37 years. You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent, caring woman that has many years ahead to become even more amazing.

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