Day 246: Recovery and Reflections

8 months.  Phew.  I simultaneously wonder where the time has gone and how can it only have been 8 months.  Sometimes it feels like a lifetime.

I’ve been building resentment over particular aspects of my journey.  I am jealous of people who have been able to take time off work to focus on changing their lives.  There must be a level of stress and worry that accompanies time off work that I haven’t had to deal with, but a short break could do wonders, even now.

Almost 6 years ago, I made it 7 months sober before relapsing for 5 solid years.  For the first 3 months of that sobriety attempt, I was unemployed.  My sobriety was kick-started by an event that lead to my unemployment, and my husband and I agreed that I didn’t need to jump into another job.  It was ok for me to take a little time to sort my head out.

It was a good 3 months.  Although it took us many months to recover financially after I started a new job, I am so grateful to have had that time to myself.  I lost weight and was very healthy, being able to dedicate time to the gym and healthy cooking.  5 years (and 50 lbs.) later, I use every excuse to eat terribly and skip physical activity.

On the flip-side, I feel like an absolute failure for wanting another break.  Successful people do not take breaks; healthy people do not need to.  From the outside looking in, my life is incredibly easy: I work an easy 9-5 desk job and I don’t have children to chase after.  What the hell could I possibly need a break from?

Me.

I need a break from me.

How absolutely nauseating to someone with a truly difficult life.

On a positive note, I am not obsessing about alcohol, the way I thought I would be at 8 months.  I began with my therapist on day 3 of sobriety and she reminded me recently that I’d anticipated things to be easy for the first 6 months, but then the craving would come back (it always does).  But it hasn’t this time.  I have enough experience to not say that it’s “gone for good,” but I can say that it’s not been there for a long time.  I don’t romanticize alcohol.  When I do have fleeting thoughts of drinking, they’re not “fun” fantasies.  I don’t picture myself taking a drink and enjoying myself.  I’ve done too much work to ever enjoy alcohol again.  If I go back to it, it will be purely for the self-destructive properties; I won’t fool myself into believing it’s anything other than that.

I am grateful, on day 246, to not worry about relapse.  Today, it’s not on the horizon.

 

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Day 246: Recovery and Reflections

  1. For me, work has turned out to be my main trigger for my drinking, so I have no regrets about taking almost 2 years! Granted, I have worked in those years, in the same field, but not like I was working before. I’m only now getting back into what I was doing, and I’m hesitant: even today, the stress made me want to drink, the anxiety. It’s time-consuming to both wonder, do I deserve a break and, why can’t I have a break? Only you know what is best, and you will find a way to make that happen. Don’t listen to the outside noise, and that includes the “should’s” and “should not’s” in your head.

    Like

  2. I agree with losedabooze. Everyone deserves a break, even people who aren’t struggling with recovery or some of the things you’re currently going through. Sometimes life just wears you down or gets too hectic, and a change in scenery/routine can be the best way to gain perspective and recuperate. The point is, YOU deserve that! Even if it’s not a long break, I hope you’re able to find some way to take a little vacation or a few days where you can relax and rejuvenate. Best wishes!

    Like

  3. I think we all need to retreat every now and again – so don’t feel bad for wanting that. Maybe you can’t take 3 months off but maybe you can take a week off and go on some formal retreat, spiritual or something – spa, whatever suits your fancy! You sure as hell deserve it!!

    Like

Thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s