There are just 35 days left in what has been one of the most difficult, exhausting, remarkable, overwhelming, conscious changing years of my 37 year life. On March 13, I made it through the day without a drink. I have maintained that stretch for 260 days. One day at a time is how I am to live my sober life, but it’s hard not to sneak a peek at tomorrow.
What will 2014 look like? I don’t know. I know that I don’t want 2014 to be harder than 2013. I can’t control what will happen around me, but I can control whether or not I make relapse part of next year’s landscape. I won’t; I can’t.
I’m confident in the sober support system I’ve built. I’m much more secure in sobriety today than I was in the early months. Therefore, I can put attention towards other aspects of my life without worrying about slipping.
I want to evaluate my professional life. I have a good job that worked very well for 5 alcoholic years. Now, with a clearer mind and an evolving sense of self, I’m not sure it will work for the next 5 sober years. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know what I can do, but I’d like to take the time in 2014 to explore the possibilities.
Looking forward is a new concept for me. Beginning at age 16, when I was certain I’d be dead before 20, I’ve never planned for the future because I’ve never envisioned one. During the alcoholic years, I lived a reactionary life, simply putting out fires as they came up (which flared up often because this alcoholic osterich doesn’t like to deal with anything before it’s too late to fix). Without the booze, the anxiety is gone and I can think about short distances into the future without panicking. It might be fun to try.