Day 220: Recovery and Reflections

“I feel like I have you back.”

My husband and I have a relationship that rarely dips below the emotional surface.  Neither of us are good communicators and are usually quite happy to exist with our “everything’s fine” masks on.

Before I married my husband, I was a fighter.  I loved a good argument.  I would stuff my feelings until I started to overflow.  Stir in an unhealthy amount of alcohol and I would inevitably start a fight.

Hubby doesn’t play along.  He avoids conflict at all costs.  Early on in our marriage, when I was still trying to start the occasional argument, his reaction would be to go to another room and avoid me for hours.  Sure, in the beginning, it would further enrage me, but I’ve learned over the years to not try to engage him.  I’ve slowly, through this forced behavioural therapy, become someone who avoids the conflict as well.

Sometimes that means avoiding conversation that could lead to conflict.  So here we are: rarely talking about anything more than current events.

Tonight we had a quiet moment after work, just sitting still without the tv on.  We were chatting about “surface” items and I gently pushed for more.

Ring“Do you notice any changes since I’ve stopped drinking?” 

“Yeah, a lot.  I feel like I have you back.  I feel like I’ve got the person I married back.”

That’s how I’ll get through day 220.


5 thoughts on “Day 220: Recovery and Reflections

  1. congratulations! You describe my marriage (when it was a marriage) perfectly. This is our relationship (except that he was the one reaching for the alcohol and not me). But he was also the one to walk away from conflict or anything resembling conflict. He’s the great deflector. And so, that’s all we became. Two people who speak about nothing in particular, sometimes – most times – not speaking at all. I hope things improve for you.


  2. Congrats on day 220. For an alcoholic, that is a miracle. I can’t help but hear some sadness in your post. I too am one that avoids conflict. There are many reasons for it starting back when I was a teenager. I’m wondering if your husband feels the same way you do but you are both apprehensive about bringing up the topic of going deeper into your communication with each other? Good post, and thanks for sharing!


    • Congratulations to you on 214 days! It’s surprising how long into sobriety it is before things start to feel “normal”. I’m just starting to learn to manage my expectations – it could be a while before some things feel normal.



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