Day 198: Recovery and Reflections

One month into attending meetings, I saw someone I knew. Gasp! It was someone I worked with years ago and when I saw her, I froze for a moment, but defrosted as soon as she smiled with recognition. I really loved working with her and we got along very well outside of work. It’s no surprise today that we’re both in AA, but back then it was just fun having a couple of drinks together after work.

I’m very happy for her and relieved to see her sober. When I knew her, I suspected her drinking was a problem, but I justified it because of terrible things she was dealing with in her personal life. That is a symptom of my own disease: justifying alcoholic drinking as a reasonable coping mechanism. “Of course she drinks: X, Y and Z are happening in her life.”

Her one year birthday is next week.  I saw her at a meeting this week and she’s struggling. She was having trouble putting thoughts together as we chatted. I do not think she’s drinking, but she’s struggling. It’s sad to see her having a hard time one year in. On a selfish level, it makes me look ahead 6 months and not see any improvement.

I’m looking forward to attending her birthday and am hoping, for many reasons, to see her in a better head-space.

This road of sobriety is rough. This new idea of dealing with shit is difficult. I’ve heard people say that their emotional maturity is stunted at the age their alcoholism kicked in full force. I’m starting to believe it. Living like an ostrich with my head in the sand for so many years means that I am painfully ill-equipped to deal with daily life. This piece has been the hardest for me these past 6 months. The cravings for booze have been few and far between – that part’s a piece of cake. Feeling, however is fucking rough.

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2 thoughts on “Day 198: Recovery and Reflections

  1. Good post. Will keep your friend in my Loving thoughts (you too). I like your closing line … I still feel the same about certain “new” feelings. Sometimes I think WTF is this????!!! The good news, I keep the focus on growing and it always teaches me something new. Don’t get me wrong, I still fight it, but I no longer fight it with booze or aggressive/angry/self-centered behavior. Good to see you progressing. (Not keeping up so good with my reading, but know that I think of you often) xox me

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