I am too excited to craft a creative post that buries the lead, so here goes: I finally summoned the courage to ask a woman to be my sponsor and she said yes! I’ve known for over a month that I wanted to approach this woman, but gave in to fear and anxiety at every opportunity until tonight.
I have been approaching AA with only 1 foot in the door, not making connections or doing any work beyond attending a couple of meetings a week. I had myself set up to be able to flee at any moment and not have my absence noticed. I needed to decide if I was going to flee or if I was going to bring both feet past the doorstep.
My fears and social anxiety begged me to flee, but I’m glad I was able to muster the courage to stay. I’m more than glad, I’m relieved. I didn’t leave tonight’s meeting crying and disappointed in myself, as I’ve done the past few weeks. I left feeling relieved to have a new connection; someone on my side.
Today, on day 182, I am going to bed with a calm and relief that I haven’t felt in weeks. In this new sober world, I am learning a lot about myself. Some things about me are good, some not so much. Tonight, I learned that I can get through an anxiety-filled social situation without vodka. It must sound small to someone who’s not an alcoholic, but simply being able to ask this woman for ongoing support was a huge personal coup.
In the hours leading up to tonight’s meeting, I became increasingly anxious and thought to myself several times “this would be so much easier if I had a few drinks.” I wouldn’t call it a craving and I was able to giggle at myself for the complete absurdity of thinking about having a few shots to make it easier to ask for an AA sponsor, but it reminded me that I still think of booze as my go-to courage.
It will just take time to become comfortable with, and trust, my organic ability to deal with life on life’s terms without alcohol. But for today, 3 days away from 6 months sober, I won’t worry about how long it will take. I will simply revel in my relief and be thankful for this new connection.