I am 176 days sober and I’ve spent the past 30 days putting off getting an AA sponsor. I know who I want to approach, but I always chicken out at the last minute. Why? Because I don’t want to bother her. I don’t want to intrude in her life and ask her to devote time to me.
The past 5 years were the worst of my alcoholism, which is no surprise considering the progressive nature of the beast. I would struggle to get sober for a couple of days, only to run back to the vodka. I tried to do it alone, maintaining a false exterior of sobriety; I drank 100% in isolation. Near the end, I recognized that I couldn’t get sober on my own, but I still didn’t reach out to anyone I knew. During one workday, I got a call on my cell phone from a rehab centre, following up on my email. Email? I had no recollection of emailing them. I told them they had the wrong number.
It’s a character flaw that I don’t ask for help. It’s not out of ego (believing that I know best), but for a lack of. I truly believe that asking for help will burden the person I’m asking. Why would they give a shit about me and want to spend the time I’m asking them to invest? Wrapping my head around AA and sponsorship is not easy, but I know that I have to ask for help in order to stay sober.
So I’ll try again, on day 176, to ask for help in the shape of a sponsor because I am not a rock and cannot do it alone.