Lonely. Tonight I was at my home AA meeting in a church filled with like-minded people and I was alone in a pew. Very lonely. I typed this post instead of making eye contact. Very lonely. Nervously waited for the meeting to start so I could look up without fear of making small talk. Very lonely. Very unapproachable. Shit I made eye contact with the woman I want to ask to sponsor me. I’m lonely and afraid. I’m mostly afraid that she’ll say no.
I don’t know if it’s because I’m tired, but I was tearing up throughout the entire meeting. I was 5 paces from my car when the tears started streaming.
I have an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. This is my life. This is it. For the rest of my living days, this is fucking it. There’s nothing new to love or experience. There’s no new life coming into mine. All that’s left to experience is loss. I don’t think my heart can bear this. I know my mind can’t.
What’s worse for my family: losing me to death or losing me to a lingering life of alcoholism and despair? They will just have to understand that I’m not capable of continuing like this. I can’t be expected to.
I’m a fucking coward that should have killed myself 2 decades ago. So many people would have been spared.
I am so fucking lonely but I don’t want to be around anyone.
I need a full nights’ sleep and to stop living on chocolate and Red Bull. But for what? To string together a couple of days of normalcy? Why fucking bother? The hopelessness is always right there, under the surface. It’s never far enough away.
Comments are closed because I’m having a shitty night and can’t bear to read encouragements. If it sounds crazy, it is. I am. Tomorrow will be better, but for tonight I just need to spill my unpopular feelings.