I’ve tossed out several long winded attempts before arriving at this published post. I’m sinking and I don’t know how to express it. I’m getting ahead of myself and allowing my thoughts to spiral into dark places. I need to reign in my spinning mind and deal with life one step at a time.
My life is no worse than anyone else’s. My life is certainly no more complicated, difficult or busy than anyone else’s. But I’m having a lot of trouble balancing shit.
I’m in a lucky scenario, in terms of someone who’s recently become sober. I do not have children and I have a husband who is quietly supportive. Therefore, I’ve been able to be incredibly self-indulgent and spend as much time as I need, to attend AA meetings, therapy, doctors appointments, as well as going to the gym, blogging and reading countless related forums, blogs, and Twitter feeds.
This gift of indulgence over the past 5 months is abruptly ending and it’s causing some ruckus inside my head. It’s shameful to mourn the loss of my self-involved sabatacal, so I only do so in my head and here, in this anonymous corner of the WordPress world.My husband has Crohn’s, which is a disease that waxes and wanes. Over the past 9 years since he was diagnosed, he’s had stretches of months where Crohn’s was a distant memory, and he’s had months of hospital visits, stays and missed work days.
Unfortunately he’s back in a flare. Although he’s not needing to be hospitalized quite yet, a recent scope shows that the Crohn’s is progressing further within his intestines. The scary reality is that he’s likely heading towards surgery.
So I have to give up some things to pay for the increased medication cost and balance out the temporary loss of his income. Waaaa, 1st world problems, suck it up Sally, want some cheese with that whine, somebody better dial 9-1-1 and call the wuaaambulance, etc., etc. I don’t know where this selfish sense of loss is coming from, because I don’t truly begrudge sacrificing for the good of his health. I absolutely don’t.
I think my sadness is over the prospect of giving up therapy and medication for bipolar. The other, material things are easy to let go of. Even the medication is less sad to give up. But the therapy, I think, is what’s kept me going this far without a relapse.
So, I take a step back and look at things rationally. Give up the unimportant shit: check. Continue with the medication as long as he has his job with benefits: check. Find a way to afford the therapy. I used to be a chef; there must be somewhere I can work one or two nights a week for a few extra bucks.
Breathe. That’s my problem: I allow my mind to spin out of control, entertaining scenarios that may never even happen. Breathe and analyze shit rationally. Om.