I haven’t attended an AA meeting in about a month. My therapist says this is a red flag. While I don’t disagree, I am still struggling with whether or not AA is for me. On my bike ride this morning, I listened to a podcast, The Bubble Hour, that addressed all aspects of denial in addiction. I have 2 take-aways from this podcast. First, my not attending AA is likely a form of denial. “I know I need to maintain sobriety, but I don’t need help.” False.
Secondly, I think that activities like listening to a podcast about recovery is a positive step in maintaining sobriety. I also frequent several online forums and spend a lot of time daily reading people’s stories. Add that to the many sober blogs on WordPress that I follow and routinely read, I think I’m doing a number of positive things to keep sobriety in front of me. I know from past relapses that it’s when I stop actively maintaining sobriety, when I become complacent, that my inner addict’s voice is given legitimacy.
All of these bullshit justifications aside, I am going to give AA a more active role in my life. My therapist has assigned me homework: get a sponsor. I have been resistant to diving further into AA than just attending a weekly meeting. Why? Every reason I have is likely just another way to protect the addiction. I firmly believe that my mind is that of an addict and my decision-making skills are often clouded. In this case, of moving forward and getting a sponsor, I need to trust someone who is thinking clearly, over my own addict thinking. I will trust my therapist’s clear mind.
It was while I was biking, listening to the podcast, that I made this decision. I am really loving my bike rides. I don’t meditate and I don’t pray, but I imagine the serenity I experience biking is as close as I’ll get. It’s a solid hour of time alone with my thoughts. I always listen to a podcast, usually something that will make me laugh (Joe Rogan, Opie & Anthony, Hollywood Babble-On, etc.), but today I decided to listen to The Bubble Hour. It was amazing to sail along the bike path in perfect summer weather, alongside the river, beneath wispy clouds, connecting with other women’s stories of what role denial played in their addiction.
Weather permitting, I’ll go again tomorrow. But for today, this is how I got through day 143.