At times it’s difficult to discern which aspect of my mental defectiveness is causing a current mood. Am I diving head-first into a new project that I will likely lose interest in before it’s done, thus disappointing many people because of bipolar II mania or because of ADHD? Am I feeling hopeless and alone because of the depressive side of bipolar II or am I just a self-absorb moody twit?
I suppose in the end, it doesn’t matter why I’m feeling or behaving the way I am. What matters is how I reign in the unhealthy bits and capitalize on the positive.
I’m in medication limbo right now because it’s a near chimera to get two doctors to communicate regarding one patient. Husband says this is a good sign, that perhaps the psychiatrist doesn’t think “there’s anything wrong with me.” Well that’s not helpful. My ridiculously revving mind starts spinning around the possibility that there’s nothing wrong with my brain and I’m simply just a narcissistic, attention-seeking, grumpy bitch.
I’ve been batting that ball of yarn around in my head lately: the idea that I’m completely self-absorbed. My mother has often said that people without children become selfish people because they’ve never put themselves second to care for another. She hasn’t said it to me as often in recent years, as she’s realizing I’m quickly approaching the no-turning-back age of childlessness. But it gets me thinking and makes me concerned for my ego and how it must spill over into the worlds of the people around me in a most irritating way.
I think about recent conversations; did I steer the conversation towards the other person enough? Did I monopolize the time with tedious stories about myself and my experiences? I hope not.
A friend of mine (also childless) has recently transformed herself. I see the eye rolls when people talk about her Facebook posts, which are frequent, self-absorbed and riddled with selfies. (God I hate that word, almost as much as actual selfies) I don’t want to be that person.
So here I am, in my public space, created by me for me, talking about me, wondering if I’m narcissistic. Nah, couldn’t be. (I saw that eye roll!)