It’s tiring putting this much effort into existing. Sure, life was difficult as a functioning alcoholic too, but right now I’m having trouble believing it was more difficult than life today. Realistically, I know that returning to alcohol is not the answer, but there has to be a third option. There has to be a better, easier way to live.
I’m bipolar and my internal rollercoaster began its decent into depression late lastnight. It would have been nice to stay in mild mania longer; it was a short stay at the top this time. Based on history, I know that my depressive mood will last anywhere between 2 to 4 weeks. Fuck a duck.
It’s exhausting putting forth the required thought and work to maintain sobriety, let alone everything else that life demands. I would love a break from it. Just 1 day to not compulsively think about what needs to be done today for work, or to stay sober, or count calories and plan meals. Yes, after somehow getting through 126 consecutive days without drinking, I’m now adding an earnest effort to lose weight. I’ve packed on a substantial amount of weight over the past 5 years (not coincidentally, it was 5 years ago that I shoved my drinking into secrecy). Despite cutting 900-1200 calories from my daily intake just by eliminating booze, I haven’t lost a single pound in 126 days. Fuck another duck. I thought a small amount of weight loss would be a bonus side effect of getting sober. Apparently not for this lug.
This is how I am on day 126: uninspired, tired and falling down the rabbit hole of depression.