Day 126: Recovery and Reflections

B&W RollercoasterIt’s tiring putting this much effort into existing.  Sure, life was difficult as a functioning alcoholic too, but right now I’m having trouble believing it was more difficult than life today.  Realistically, I know that returning to alcohol is not the answer, but there has to be a third option.  There has to be a better, easier way to live.

I’m bipolar and my internal rollercoaster began its decent into depression late lastnight.  It would have been nice to stay in mild mania longer; it was a short stay at the top this time.  Based on history, I know that my depressive mood will last anywhere between 2 to 4 weeks.  Fuck a duck.

It’s exhausting putting forth the required thought and work to maintain sobriety, let alone everything else that life demands.  I would love a break from it.  Just 1 day to not compulsively think about what needs to be done today for work, or to stay sober, or count calories and plan meals.  Yes, after somehow getting through 126 consecutive days without drinking, I’m now adding an earnest effort to lose weight.  I’ve packed on a substantial amount of weight over the past 5 years (not coincidentally, it was 5 years ago that I shoved my drinking into secrecy).  Despite cutting 900-1200 calories from my daily intake just by eliminating booze, I haven’t lost a single pound in 126 days.  Fuck another duck.  I thought a small amount of weight loss would be a bonus side effect of getting sober.  Apparently not for this lug.

This is how I am on day 126: uninspired, tired and falling down the rabbit hole of depression.

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11 thoughts on “Day 126: Recovery and Reflections

  1. Like many have said here, give yourself a break and don’t try too many things at once. Instead of counting calories, try going out for a walk or run while listening to some uplifting music. I say this because running saved me when my husband was at his worst and I was grappling for sanity. The main thing is that you’ve made it this far and you should be proud of that. Don’t give yourself more things to stress over. Thanks for the follow. Good luck!

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  2. I hear ya. I gave up alcohol, my anti-depressant and went on a diet all in the same month. And I wonder why I’m sometimes bitchy as hell. Give yourself permission to chill-axe and cut yourself the same break you’d cut a friend going through what you’re going through. No beating yourself up if you eat a family-size bag of chips while watching Vampire Diaries (or something equally as silly).

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  3. I hate hitting the “like” button because I don’t actually like what you wrote 😦 It’s sad. Just want you to know that I’m thinking of you, pulling for you and with you through our cyberspace bond 🙂 {{hugs}}

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    • Thank you Debbie. I sincerely appreciate your kind words. The good thing is that I am feeling better after posting – it’s very helpful to get things out! And not to worry, I absolutely understand the spirit in which the “like” is pressed, and I appreciate it a lot. Thank you.

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