I’ve been struggling the last couple of weeks, feeling lost and alone. I don’t feel as though I fit in at a 12 step meeting. The problem is that I’m comparing myself to others. It is such destructive behaviour to compare, no matter what the comparison is.
As I get older, I’m learning to not compare my high-level life stats against others. As I start to learn how different the outward-facing me is, compared to the reality of what’s going on inside, I realize it’s likely that others do this too. Therefore I’m not comparing apples to apples. I’m comparing my messy inside self to someone’s polished outside self.
NA cautions against comparing ourselves to others:
Once we stopped using drugs, many of us started comparing ourselves to other addicts. We focused on our differences rather than our similarities. Seeing only the differences made it easy to think that maybe we didn’t belong in NA.
This is exactly where I’m going wrong. I feel like a fraud, that I’m not truly an addict, because my story isn’t as tragic as some. I recognize this as dangerous thinking; it will eventually give me permission to relapse.
So for today, on Day 81, I will remind myself that my experiences are my own and don’t need to be held up against someone else’s to be considered true or false. That is how I’ll get through today…