100 days. In the span of a lifetime, 100 days is a blink. However these past 100 days for me have been filled with more self improvement and reflection than I’ve done during my lifetime. These past 100 days are worthy of mention.
102 days ago held a turning point. It wasn’t a blaze-of-glory type of bottoming out, in fact it was quite the opposite. I’d been stumbling towards the finale for a couple of months, hanging on to the belief that my drinking was under control and I’d be able to carry on as I was for the rest of my life. “Under control” meant that I was drinking 15-20 oz a day, completely in hiding. Although I wasn’t fooling anybody, no one in my life was calling me out on the obvious. Until 102 days ago.
It was a simple moment, but it ended up being a turning point. I took a break from cooking dinner to run upstairs to my stash for a quick nip. As I came out of the spare bedroom, my husband met me at the top of the stairs. I don’t even remember what he said, but the look on his face called me out on the obvious. This wasn’t the first time over the past 10 years that we’ve had this exchange, but I hope that it’s the last.
3 days later I met with a new therapist and started a new way of existing day to day. I’m still struggling with the new way of existing. Sobriety isn’t the biggest struggle; facing the things I used to avoid by drinking is what’s difficult. Without my new therapist, there is no doubt I wouldn’t have lasted more than a few days on my own. I didn’t know how to fix the things that made me turn to alcohol.
While I am taking a moment to reflect on 100 days, I’m hyper-aware that this is just the beginning. I’ve been here before. Somehow I have to make this time different. As uncomfortable as I am in my own skin sober, it’s slowly getting easier. There are a lot of feelings to work through – both new and old – but for today, I’m going to take stock of what’s working. And that’s how I’ll get through day 100…