“I pushed everyone away. I wasn’t protecting them, I was protecting my addiction. I knew that if I let anyone get close, they would start to question what I was doing.”
Last night, a member of a meeting I’ve been regularly attending celebrated 1 year. She spoke about her journey of the past year, starting with rehab and continuing with 12 step. The above piece of her speech resonated with me.
I’m lonely because I’ve pushed everyone away. I convinced myself it was because I didn’t want them to worry. I didn’t want to put my problems on them. Everyone has their own lives to deal with; it would be selfish of me to add my problems on top.
Now I’m realizing that it wasn’t so much to protect them from my problems, it was to protect my addiction – to keep it alive. There were a couple of times when my sister confronted me when she knew I’d been drinking. So I simply avoided her and other family as much as possible. Even with my husband, I would rebuff casual hugs and kisses because getting physically close enough to hug him would risk him smelling alcohol on my breath.
I’ve isolated myself and I don’t know how to change it. I think the answer is “slowly”.
I’ve been really struggling this past week about whether or not 12 step is for me. I’m glad I went to lastnight’s meeting, if only for that little nugget of her speech that stuck with me. Perhaps that is what these meetings will do for me right now: show me the truths about myself through listening to other people’s stories.
And that’s enough to get me through Day 72.