Day 64: Recovery and Reflections

Depression swung in quickly today. Sobriety suddenly became harder. Day 64. I considered skipping NA to drink. Didn’t. Driving home after meeting, had serious urge to buy a bottle. Looked at the clock: 9:10 – nothing open on a Wed past 9:00.

One woman’s share at NA was about comparing your addictions to another. Another shared that because of addiction, she went bankrupt and was without a car for several years.

I feel like a fraud at NA. I’m not even a narcotics addict. I own a home, 2 cars and have a 10 year marriage. The fact that I’m calling myself an addict, when I compare myself to their stories, I’m an absolute fraud.

One woman’s share is that her parents refuse to have contact with her since her most recent relapse. I still see my parents at least 4 days a week. How can I call myself an addict? What could it hurt to have a few drinks? Even if I return to my worst, would it really be that bad?

I’m sitting in the parking lot at the gym. I don’t think I’ll be able to go in tonight – I’m too emotional. There’s about 15 restaurants between here and my home. How nice would it be to sit in a booth sipping vodka and soda with lime and nibble on an appetizer? The thought of it has relaxed me. It would be wonderful alone time. As cliche as it sounds, I can feel the warmth that coats the stomach with the first drink.

I’m having a hard time coming up with reasons not to. I’ve been living my daily life very differently these past 64 days. I’ve been acting for 64 days, playing the role of someone who’s punctual, reliable, hard-working, healthy, organised, scheduled, sober. It’s an act and I’m fucking tired. It’s not just that it’s hard; it’s not me.

I’m tired. I don’t want to be the person who’s smiling, who’s voice and demeanour is that of a top-notch customer service rep. I don’t want to be the person who’s actively listening in the crowd, supporting the speaker non-verbally. I don’t want to be that person anymore because its fucking exhausting. But if that’s not who I am, then I don’t know who the fuck I am.

I can feel the wave of depression coming over me. I’ve had more sudden and deeper tidal waves before, but this is ranking pretty high.

I’m 2 weeks in on Cipralex. Is this wave a reaction to the medication, is this hormonal or is this the end of the “easy phase“? The only way to tell, is to ride it out. The impulsive part of me wants to drink. Fuck repercussions. I mean really, how bad could they be?

If this is what my new daily life is going to be, I cannot sustain this. I’m acting and I’m not very good at it.

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