I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to escape from myself. My internal monologue is a warped record, endlessly reminding me of everything I despise about myself. It usually starts by sort through the endless mental short movies that capture all of the times I’ve embarrassed myself. Only someone as stupid as me could be such an embarrassment, I remind myself. I cringe remembering the times I’ve said something foolish because I didn’t think it through first.
When the movies stop, my mind starts frantically reviewing my to-do list for work. Inevitably, the to-do list has a few items that I’ve been putting off for far too long and will now have consequences. I acknowledge that I’m terrible at my job and begin interrogating myself as to why I would put something off, when it could easily have been completed long ago.
By now, I’m tiring, disappointed in myself and can feel my shoulders physically drop. Now is a good time to remind myself just how lazy I am. Laziness is the reason I am overweight and my house is cluttered and run down. It’s also why I’m unhappy; if I weren’t so lazy, I would get out of the house and do something enjoyable. But I am lazy, and I don’t get out.
This flow of thoughts is what happens when it’s quiet. Although, it’s more of a tidal wave than a flow. Which is why I cannot fall asleep without the television or radio playing. I need something to fill the quiet, otherwise I’ll quickly dissolve in the self-hatred that feeds off it.
I need to find a way to enjoy the quiet; to allow the quiet. The wave of destructive thoughts needs to be held back, fixed even. I used alcohol for years as sandbags holding up the levy against the tidal wave. That doesn’t work anymore. Truly, it never worked, but it made me believe that it was working. That was enough for a while, but not anymore. I’ve allowed the alcohol to take over all rational thinking, which has earned it a track on the warped record of my internal monologue.
So I try to learn more about why my brain functions the way it does. I’m not special or different than anyone else, but it’s possible that my brain isn’t firing the way it’s designed to. I’m learning that a lot of what I do isn’t 100% rooted in laziness. I’m honest though, so I acknowledge that laziness is still a large percentage. The rest is something I can manage just by being aware of how my brain processes some things and adjusting my reaction.
The end goal is to no longer need to escape from myself. I want to be more at ease with myself. I want to change the internal monologue and be comfortable with the quiet.